Normally, the favored status of the maternal grandparents is due to the role of women as "kin-keepers." They keep family ties strong, more so with their own family.

Paternal grandparents. Farm children have significantly better relationships and have more contact with their paternal grandparents than other grandchildren in society. This is because sons farm with their fathers and land is usually passed down the male line.

The interdependency between farm families as they work together creates opportunities for closeness. Even in retirement or semi-retirement, grandfathers still assist with farm work - grandmothers with food, childcare and errands. Grandchildren are brought into the work cycle on the farm as helpers. In this work role, they have contact with their grandparents. Grandparents become same sex role models for their grandchildren and teach them skills and moral perspectives.

Proximity is important in close grandparent-grandchild relationships. Contact makes relationships possible through family rituals, celebrations and gatherings on a frequent basis. Rural grandparents play a larger role in their grandchildren's lives compared to grandparents in non-farm communities.

Divorce disrupts these ties - especially when the mother has custody. Contact with the maternal parents increases while contact with the paternal grandparents decreases. This is an acute source of pain for paternal grandparents who built special relationships with their grandchildren.

Relationship with adult children plays a key role. Research has shown that the quality of the relationship between parents and grandparents has a major influence on whether grandparents and grandchildren have a close relationship. If adult children see their parents as warm and supportive, then there are more joint activities and closeness between the grandparents and grandchildren. The same is true for the maternal grandparents when they live close by.

Grandparents show support and warmth by giving concern and understanding and by showing appreciation and love. They help out with important tasks and problems. They listen carefully to their adult children's point of view.

Tension between families. If the grandparents are seen as demanding, controlling, negative, rejecting and harsh by the parents, it takes a toll on the grandparent/grandchild relationships. Demanding and controlling paternal grandparents are big turnoffs. This relates to the father/son working relationship on the farm and the way management decisions are handled. Autocratic grandfathers with tempers often have difficult relationships with their farming sons and grandsons.

With maternal grandparents, it is negativity, conflict, tension, or criticism that is the turnoff. Daughters tend to avoid unpleasant contacts with their mothers when there is turmoil in that relationship.

Grandchildren and grandparents may still have contact. The harm to the relationship comes from grandchildren learning to see their grandparents through their parent's eyes - through stories and conversations. This is when there is tension in the business relationship with the paternal grandparents.

Relationships between adult children and their fathers is not as unconditional as with their mothers. If a son is unhappy with his parents, this undermines the quality of the paternal grandparent/grandchild relationship. If a mother doesn't get along with her parents, the damage to the grandparenting relationship isn't as pronounced.

If there is trouble in the farming partnership or the work relationship - between father and son - or in some cases between a mother and son - then the amount of contact and the quality of grandparent/grandchild relationships suffer. The grandparents are not always at fault. Sometimes it is the son or daughter-in-law who is demanding, self-centered, difficult, raspy or supersensitive.

Most paternal grandparents like to believe that it is the unhappy daughter-in-law that is holding the grandchildren "hostage" because of the tension between families. In fact, a daughter-in-law doesn't usually detract from the grandparent/grandchild relationship unless her husband is equally as unhappy.

Resolve conflict. The fact of the matter is that the "working relationships" on a family farm affect the quality of the "family relationships" and vice versa. Improving management communications between fathers and sons is a major key to insuring that other key relationships aren't harmed.

There is also value in surfacing and resolving conflict in the in-law relationships so that tensions between families don't spill over and spoil what might be considered very good working relationships on a family farm. Too many farm families avoid these underlying tensions and problems mushroom. Grandparent/grandchild relationships are affected. What can be so positive turns into strain and pain.

Wives who have complaints about work or family relationships feel stymied, unsupported and angry when their husbands fail to address their concerns. Their anger creates marital problems which in turn are perceived by children who understand that the grandparents are the focal point of the unhappiness.

Each side may have a legitimate point of view but somehow parents need to form a united front when it comes to in-law relationships - for the sake of their marriage and for the sake of precious grandparent/grandchildren relationships.

For a farm family to enjoy the emotional closeness in this inter-generational environment, with generations cooperating and enjoying their relationships, the father/son relationship needs to be positive and respectful as well as the in-law relationships. As many grandparents and grandchildren who share a farming heritage can attest - grandparent/grandchild relationships on a farm are truly special.

For more information on stress and coping, visit Val Farmer's website at www.valfarmer.com. Val Farmer's book, "Honey, I Shrunk the Farm," can be purchased by sending a check or money order for $9.50 to: Honey, I Shrunk the Farm, The Preston Connection, PO Box 1135, Orem UT 84059.

For Val Farmer's new book on marriage, "To Have and To Hold," send a check or money order for $14.95 plus $3.95 for shipping and handling for the first book and $2.00 for each additional book to JV Publishing, LLC, P.O. Box 886, Casselton, ND 58012.

Val Farmer is a clinical psychologist specializing in family business consultation and mediation with farm families. He lives in Wildwood, Missouri and can be contacted through his website.

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