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Abler-Minded: Resolutions

I haven’t made a New Year’s resolution for many years. I never had any luck keeping any of them anyway.

I haven’t successfully lost a pound in the last five years. I managed to find every one that I lost in rather short order. I could make a resolution to procrastinate more, but I don’t think I would stay married if I put things off any longer than I do now.

However, I think it’s perfectly proper for me to make some resolutions for other people.

To the publishers of all the catalogs we receive every week: If you tell us that this is our last catalog unless we place an order — please, please, please, follow through on your threat.

To the “professional” fundraisers who somehow got our phone number: You may be trying to make a living doing this, but you probably get half of what we might donate, so do not get all huffy and crank up the “guilt trip/Scrooge” rhetoric when we tell you we will no longer respond to telephone solicitations. It’s our money and we have a right to give it to anyone we decide, and the more you whimper, the farther down on the list you go.

I also know you’re told to not take “no” for an answer, but if you refuse to accept my “no,” I will be rude enough to hang up on you. I made a resolution to stop doing that; I broke it rather quickly.

To the organizations to which we donate by mail: We donate once a year to all of you. We have donated once a year for a long time. Since our giving history is computerized, you should know that and also know you are wasting your time and resources sending us an additional four or six or more appeals every year.

I know you feel sorry for the Post Office and are trying to keep them in business, but your letters go from the PO Box directly to their recycling bin, which is filled to overflowing every day with letters ... and catalogs.

To our fellow shoppers who bring their purchases to their cars in the shopping carts: The stores have tried to place enough stalls for the carts in the parking lots. However, it’s sometimes impossible to have one right next to where you parked, so walk a few yards to where there is one instead of just leaving it where it will now block the parking place you used, or roll into someone else’s car.

I once watched a fellow try to align the wheels on his cart and achieve some semblance of “balance” so it wouldn’t roll down the slope where he was trying to leave the cart. He took a good 3-4 minutes to do this when the cart corral was only about 50 feet away.

I think people who do this consistently should spend their afterlife sitting in a classic 1957 Chevrolet that has just been repainted with 30 coats of a hand-rubbed Candy Apple Red lacquer finish in a Walmart parking lot where other heavenly shoppers can bang their car doors into them or they can let their shopping carts loose at the top of a hill ... with their car as a target at the bottom.

To drug makers, medical device manufacturers and personal care product producers: I really believe you should think about more than just your target audience. Isn’t it wonderful that a child might be able to think if the Resurrection lasts for more than four hours, the entire congregation must seek medical help immediately!

To actors who are no longer in their prime: Your time in the spotlight has passed and maybe you should gracefully retire. No matter how hard you try to convince me, I will never buy a reverse mortgage. If I had more money, I would have bought gold a long time ago; buying it now is only keeping the brokers and sellers wealthy.

And please stop shilling for the drug and medical folks too.

I was working on a lot more examples that included lawyers, advertisers and others. However, when I read the newspaper on Christmas morning, I identified another group that really needs to change its ways.

To the overeducated unintentional idiots who feel it’s their job to correct things in our society that are not broken: Please stop trying to save us from ourselves.

The psychologist cofounder of the advocacy group Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood (sounds like a good title, doesn’t it?) stated, “When a child’s environment is filled with rigid messages about, ‘This is what boys do, this is what girls do,’ it limits their ability to reach their full capacity. ... our goal should be to provide them with a range of experiences so they can develop all their tendencies.”

In this case, the issue appears to be gender-specific toys are somehow a problem and cause children to develop warped impressions of their gender identity instead of growing up as good little androgynous Stepford children.

I’m having a hard time here. I thought we were supposed to celebrate diversity. What has happened to vive la difference?

I’ve stumbled on a resolution for all of us. Let’s let the children of our country have a childhood. If we could stop burdening them with our expectations and let them grow and develop as they will, maybe we wouldn’t have so many generations of self-centered, neurotic people.

Good luck with your resolutions and have a Happy New Year if that’s allowed where you live!

Well, that’s what’s been on my mind.