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Renegade Chef: Pigskin poltergeist

That filthy “f”-word is back — football. It keeps coming back, year after year, whether I want it to or not.

It’s like the poltergeist in that movie from a few years ago. It returns through the TV screen and refuses to go away, even after the beer and pretzels are long gone.

The pigskin poltergeist popped out of my high-definition plasma at 9 a.m. Sunday and hypnotized me in the time it took Chris Berman to scream, “He-could-go-all-the-way!” It finally left about 14 hours later. Pre-game shows, halftime shows, post-game shows and highlights were sandwiched between three endless games — especially endless if one is a Vikings fan.

Thank goodness it’s Monday. There are only two games tonight, and one of the teams is not the Vikings.

Under such hypnosis one tends to think like the poltergeist and speak in its own language. For example, if I’m absorbed by the flashing 56-inch screen but suddenly feel the urge, I might say something like, “Bathroom left! Bathroom bathroom! Hut!” The bathroom is occupied and I get flagged for delay of game.

My wife tells me lunch is ready, but I hear, “This halftime luncheon is brought to you by two Oscar Mayer hot dogs topped with Wendy’s old-fashioned chili. And Lay’s potato chips — bet you can’t eat just one! And Coors Light, where the mountains on the can turn blue when it’s as cold as the Rockies!”

I respond, “Don’t forget game two on this festive football Sunday, where two electric quarterbacks will duel it out in the city by the bay — Aaron Rodgers, already established as one of the game’s best, and Colin Kapernick, who is set to dispel any thoughts about a sophomore jinx!”

She looks at me funny and says, “Is that your first beer?” But I call an audible, mainly because something is missing on my chili dogs. “Cheese cheese left, cheddar right, on two!”

“I asked you if that was your first beer.”

“Six-pack! Six-pack! Bathroom bathroom! Hut!”

Like I said, thank goodness it’s Monday. Me and some of my rowdy friends are going to get down tonight and enjoy some sophisticated appetizers. Are you ready for some football?”