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Renegade Chef: Thoughts from the heart

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Valentine’s Day has always been represented by the symbol of a heart. Not a real heart, mind you — the human heart is basically a muscle that circulates blood through the body.

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For some reason, emotions such as love and sorrow are associated with the heart. I find this to be somewhat deceiving.

If you gave a human heart to someone you love on Feb. 14, it would be quite messy. In fact, your loved one would no doubt run screaming from the room and you would probably end up in jail.

If one replaced one’s heart with a Valentine heart, one would die — and rather quickly.

I find the red, upside-down, derriere-like symbol designated for Valentine’s Day to be inappropriate for other reasons, as well. I think it should be replaced with the image of a lobster.

Lobster is the dinner special at virtually every decent restaurant in the country on Feb. 14 — just look at the ads in this newspaper. The problem is, there’s a shortage of lobster. It’s not so much because of supply and demand, but because lobsters are so succulent and delicious the lobsters of the world are eating each other.

I don’t know how they can afford themselves.

The comedienne Paula Poundstone, commenting on the rash of crustacean cannibalism, warns the situation will only get worse if the lobsters “discover melted butter. All that will be left will be one giant lobster swimming in a pool of drawn butter,” she said on a recent production of MPR’s “Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me.”

Some scientists consider such a scenario could lead to additional global warming, as well as unprecedented greasiness. It makes sense.

I just wonder who will end up owning that last great lobster and how much it will cost. I pity the chef who over-cooks it. I can almost hear the poor person: “Honestly, LeBron? A game of one-on-one — to the death?”

Personally, I think lobster is overrated. Apparently the cannibal crustaceans — and Valentine sweethearts — don’t agree. In case I’m, wrong — and in case you have plenty of cash — here are a couple of recipes to try.

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